Mind Blown

 I came across the following jumpers on www.geektyrant.com and all I could say is GIGAGAGAGAGA!

Conversation with a 44' conductor

Since I moved to the Roysy side of life (Roysambu), I have come to realize that things are not so rosy after all in this area of Nairobi. One unrosy bit is the exorbitant busfare rates. Living around Thika road is like living on that hill in Meru where apparently water flows upwards if you pour it down the hill (I am yet to personally confirm this). The busfare along Thika Road becomes less expensive the further away you live from the main road. E.g. Mwiki residents pay half the fare that Kasarani people pay and Roysambu guys pay thrice the fare that Kahawa West and Zimmerman people are charged. It’s an unfair world. And with such pricing models you wonder why the Kenyan economy is lagging behind.

Roysambu Motorbikers Club

Anyway, my main concern on this particular Tuesday morning as I made my way to work was the customer service route 44 guys were serving. I naturally ignored all the boda boda motorcycles along the way to the stage in a bid to cut expenses. They simply greeted me and continued chatting the morning away. Once I made it to the stage, I stealthily walked behind all the flashy 44 Nissans to get to the other side near the roundabout where the shadier but more affordable matatus stopped by every once in a while (in other words I activated sufferer mode). Unfortunately, they were extremely scarce this time and I had to prove my resilience against the scorching Thika Road sun. Unbeknownst to me the route 44 conductors had spotted me in my beaming, sweaty forehead glory and marked me out as an evader.

Once I realized that the 44 mats were going to get full and leave me there waiting for an economy class ride, I decided to throw in my white flag and board them. But one conductor in a Gor Mahia jersey had it in for me. Before I could step inside the mat, he popped up in my way in a confrontational manner

CONDUCTOR: Saa hii ndio unaona upande gari saa zile inaenda kujaa?

ME: Uh. Eh (in a “don’t be so obvious” tone)

CONDUCTOR: Uache ufala. Hatukujangi hapa hubarizi. Sasa mbona unajiona unaeza panda za zile inaenda kujaa. Ulikuwa unasimama hapo ukingoja?

ME: (I squint at him with an unbelieving expression and after a pause, try to find the right words for this idiot…) Unataka niingia Mat ama nisiingie?

CONDUCTOR: Kama unaona huwezi ingia hizi mat zetu usikuje kusimama hapa. Ama unataka kutupunish?

ME: Naeza simama hapa all day. In fact naeza simama kwa keja yangu kaa nataka kungojea mat huko. Mi ndio customer na nitadecide ile time nitapanda. In fact wacha hata nisimame hapa.

So I proceed to wait a bit more just to spite the guy.

CONDUCTOR: Customer kitu gani. Hii mat haina customer. Kila mtu hapa ni customer na kama hupandi usikuje kusimama hapa. 

ME: (totally ignoring his ass)

One of my economy class mats from Kahawa West comes by to save the day and it was charging me 60 percent of what the 44 dufus was charging. I jolt into it immediately and give the 44 conductor one long hard look that said “Sharrrrap!”

Moral of the story: Customer is not only King, he is Emperor.

How I Get Through a Day at Work

9 a.m -11 a.m

1. Say a loud hello to everyone when I arrive at the office (greet them personally if I had an enjoyable busride). 

2. Turn on my computer and run away or stroll around to escape the pain of watching it boot super-  slowly.

3. Sit down and sulk about how everyone else seems 20 times more focused than me at this time of the morning.

4. Open my email account to feel like I have started something work related.

5. Open a Youtube tab on Mozilla and search for a nice playlist of my favourite music. Put on my earphones and hum out of pitch.

6. Open Facebook and skim through the newsfeed like it’s some important business daily I’m reading.

7. Pick out interesting links to ‘interesting’ pages I can read and convince myself that I also read constructive things while bamming away on social media sites.

8. Go back to my email to see what work there is to be done and quickly head back to Youtube.

11 a.m – 1 p.m

9. Make some tea and start a random conversation in the office about football. Dudes are suckers for that. 

10. Start on my first item of work half-heartedly.

11. Make a lunchtime scroll on my browser to see what’s new on Facebook. Normally turns out to be a blonde update about the true meaning of life and other life enriching stories.

12. The lunchtime tension commences as we all wait for someone to give in and admit that he is going out for lunch. Usually turns out to be me and I leave to get lunch and to carry out step 13…

13. Stroll slowly to Sarova (a.k.a vibanda za chapo nyama) or ule mathe wa rice madodo na mokimo or ule mathe wa pilau na ngwaci or McFries *(In order of class and according to current feelings of affluence) as I check out the lovely lasses of Hurlingham and Daystar on my way there.

14. Grab a PK on my way back to the office.

2 p.m – 4 p.m

15. Gasp about how fast time is flying. "Wa! ni 2 already?"

16. Crunch time. I resolve to hurriedly finish my work in a fit of unshakable focus (with the exception of a few juicy Youtube interruptions)

4 p.m -5 p.m 

17. Head to the supermarket to grab popcorn, yoghurt, biscuits or cookies.

18. Moon in the glory of the attention I’m getting (mostly female) from everyone who wants a bite of what I brought from the supermarket.

19. Facebook Updates about random thoughts like how Star Wars is so much better than Star Trek. 

20. Blogging time. That is if the chapatti or rice I ate for lunch has not infiltrated my brainpower and replaced it with several calories of writing block.

5 p.m – 6 p.m. 

21. Exclusive well earned YouTube time. 

Cat and mouse

22. Final Facebook check up to see if anyone commented on my earlier updates so that I can reply and they can reply and I can reply to what they reply and they can reply to what I reply after they… you get the point. 

 

23. Send some important emails.

24. HOMETIIIIME!!!!!!

Considering that I do 24 different things in less than 24 hours, my conclusion is that I am a very hardworking dude for my age (older than 24 yrs.)

The Facebook You Think You Know

Sometimes I imagine that my social media accounts are like hotlines and I am the receptionist sitting there, waiting for a post, inbox, tweet and so forth, et cetera et cetera, ad infinitum (latin is such a sexy language) Well, that is one of the main symptoms of becoming a social media junkie, a breed of internet goons I had looked down upon not so long ago. But I’m only a social media junkie when Im idle. Coz in Earth 2.0, an idle mind is Mark Zuckerberg’s workshop.

 Every since you set up that account and bought a touch-screen smart phone that makes it a practically brainless activity to surf through a newsfeed, you will always feel the urge to know what people are saying. Most of the time, it isn’t much. But we are such nosy ones.  So we always have to know. Sometimes you end up knowing things about people you don’t know. Weird. Huh? Which comes first? Knowing a guy, or knowing what a guy thinks?

Here’s a tough challenge (or a resolution, for those who are romantically in love with those things.). Why don’t you try knowing, and by knowing I mean meeting, all the people you are friends with on Facebook in 2014. Not much, just a face to face that will lead to a tete a tete. You don’t have to treat them or bone them or anything spectacular like that. Just meet and greet. And if you don’t want to meet them, unfriend them. See how real it gets, just for the thrill.